grant me grace...

It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.  ~Colette

the tree is up.  the boys insisted yet didn't help until the very end.  busy with their own lives and preoccupations, excited for the play with Daddy and Miss Shirley and the Christmassy things to follow in the weeks ahead.

my son started to wrap something for his Dad for his birthday.  I asked what it was and he hesitated.  I asked again and he said he changed his mind and unwrapped it.  It was a stone heart I had given him from a trip to remind him I was always in his heart even when I wasn't there.  and my heart broke.

but on reflection - it is his to give and share with his open and generous heart as he wishes.  maybe, I would like to think, he wants to pass it on because now he is sure I am always coming back.  he picked out another heart today from the store to give his dad and Miss Shirley.  Their lives are moving on and the boys universe and family is expanding.  I am grateful that their hearts are open to that and they and their dad are happy.  We are a family unit of 5 now with 2 happy healthy boys and 3 adults who care very deeply about them. 

just please let it be next year soon and get me through December.

grant me continued grace and strength as I feel it slipping away so fast.  it is when I feel weakest like now that I need to remember I too am surrounded by love.  and that two boys have arms to wind around me and hands to hold.  because I am their mother.  and I always will be.