Looking for balance

I've been ruminating a lot on my life lately.  Looking for direction again and dreams that somehow need to be redefined as my own.  So many challenges to face but so many moments of love and laughter and joy to find and cherish along the way in every day.

My biggest challenge?

Not my eyes though the fact that they are still so sore and sensitive to light and sun scare me very much.  What will it mean for my photography?  How does an always chilled sun loving gecko deal with a world in which she can't be in the sun without pain?

Not being alone for the rest of my life even though that would be lonely in many ways and there are days it makes me very sad not to have someone hold me and to hold.  Not as a friend.  As a soul mate and lover.

Not as a failure to my children.  The boys are amazing and so individual.  Even in the fact that there is something unique about each of them that they cherish and love despite society pressures means they will be okay.  Doesn't mean they'll be perfect.  Heck - I sure am not... but they will be themselves and in a world in which they know they are loved.

I think that my biggest challenge is learning that it is okay to put myself first sometimes. To ask for the time and attention I need without feeling guilty about it. Without feeling like I'm imposing or in the way or should be helping everyone else instead of being greedy and needing something for myself.  It's almost like on the airplane where you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping other people. I've never done that.  It's a cycle I've seen repeatedly until I am worn past useful.  It's time for it to stop.  I deserve to hear more yes's than no's.  When I give to myself.  When I learn to feel safe asking the people I love for the things I need, I will be stronger.  Then I can give better. Love better. Create better. Work better. Parent better. Then I can say yes so much better to the people and things in my life and find the balance in giving and taking that I so lack now.

That is, and probably always will be my biggest challenge.  And I know I need the people who love me in my life to know that.  To support that, encourage that and foster that.  And sometimes, during really hard times, for those people to sometimes say yes, even when I haven't had the nerve to ask the question.

and as Miss Rachel Brice told us, dance for yourself. because no one can do it for you...