Desiderata (courtesy of my angel with an a)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.  As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.  Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and  ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.  Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.  Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.  Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.  Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.  Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.  Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

Looking for balance

I've been ruminating a lot on my life lately.  Looking for direction again and dreams that somehow need to be redefined as my own.  So many challenges to face but so many moments of love and laughter and joy to find and cherish along the way in every day.

My biggest challenge?

Not my eyes though the fact that they are still so sore and sensitive to light and sun scare me very much.  What will it mean for my photography?  How does an always chilled sun loving gecko deal with a world in which she can't be in the sun without pain?

Not being alone for the rest of my life even though that would be lonely in many ways and there are days it makes me very sad not to have someone hold me and to hold.  Not as a friend.  As a soul mate and lover.

Not as a failure to my children.  The boys are amazing and so individual.  Even in the fact that there is something unique about each of them that they cherish and love despite society pressures means they will be okay.  Doesn't mean they'll be perfect.  Heck - I sure am not... but they will be themselves and in a world in which they know they are loved.

I think that my biggest challenge is learning that it is okay to put myself first sometimes. To ask for the time and attention I need without feeling guilty about it. Without feeling like I'm imposing or in the way or should be helping everyone else instead of being greedy and needing something for myself.  It's almost like on the airplane where you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping other people. I've never done that.  It's a cycle I've seen repeatedly until I am worn past useful.  It's time for it to stop.  I deserve to hear more yes's than no's.  When I give to myself.  When I learn to feel safe asking the people I love for the things I need, I will be stronger.  Then I can give better. Love better. Create better. Work better. Parent better. Then I can say yes so much better to the people and things in my life and find the balance in giving and taking that I so lack now.

That is, and probably always will be my biggest challenge.  And I know I need the people who love me in my life to know that.  To support that, encourage that and foster that.  And sometimes, during really hard times, for those people to sometimes say yes, even when I haven't had the nerve to ask the question.

and as Miss Rachel Brice told us, dance for yourself. because no one can do it for you...

arrows

"There is a moment when you say to yourself,
oh. 
There you are.
I've been waiting for you forever."
                                           ~Glee

And if you're lucky enough... love grows and expands your life and your possibilities to places you could never have imagined.

Everyone deserves that kind of love.  Everyone deserves that kind of possibility.

Everyone.
Even me.

Letting the Beatings Stop

Was it really three weeks ago tonight I was on the cusp of perhaps one of the most important workshops of my life?  It was.  A five day workshop in Portland with Rachel Brice - one of the preeminent tribal fusion dancers in the world.  An intimate, 35 registrants only exploration of the 8 Elements of Dance from costuming to personal practice to drilling to being comfortable with improvisation to how to comfortably choreograph.  All this from a woman about whom I knew very little of other than by reputation.  Dancers adore her.  Her performance and instructional DVDs are widely practiced and watched.  To me, she was an enigma of reputation.  I had the DVDs but had, like with my others, had not made the time to watch or practice them (that's right- a dirty secret aired).  I'd seen a couple of u tube videos of her performance and was memorized.  A week.  In training.  With Rachel Brice.  I. Was. Going. To. Die.  After all, this is the girl who is winded and ready for bed after Sam's yoga and warm-up routines before the meat of her workshops even begin.  I knew it was going to be an incredible week of dance and I was going to at some point hurt and feel like the crappiest dancer alive but that I also needed this week away.  To be challenged to look at dance in another way.  To take that leap of faith that no matter what happened, I would come away a stronger dancer.  That no matter what happened, no matter how much I couldn't financially afford to take this trip to Portland.  I could NOT afford emotionally or spiritually not to.  Too many things and too many times over the past years have I had to pull out of things at the last minute.  But this.  This was too big.

Bags packed, an early Saturday Thanksgiving dinner with my folks and the boys, I headed off to the Port Angeles ferry on Thanksgiving Sunday morning to meet Emma and Candace.  It's been a crazy year for all of us and when we signed up and grabbed spots in those wild 48 hours there were actually spots to grab in May we had no idea where we'd be in October.  I almost pulled out so many times I lost count.  But there we were.  All in different spaces needing this trip for different reasons.  and suddenly we were on our way.

The space of the Studio - the NIA world headquarters was our haven - our safe space to learn and grow and each find out own way together.  It was almost sacred - over century old dance floors undamaged by time, big cathedral windows to let the light shine through.  Warm, welcoming and full of possibilities.  Rachel was a real person with a real sense of humour, kindness and warmth - all facilitated with such calm grace by her partner Sol.  There was circle and sharing time in the morning, yoga, check ins, crazy warm ups that made us laugh as the music got faster and faster, drills that challenged the way our bodies moved and the way we thought about dance.  Rachel shared things with us I never could have imagined.  and so did the 35 women in the circle from all over the United States, Mexico, Norway and Canada.  Many, like Candace, are amazing performers and teachers in their own right while many like Emma and I were drawn to the dance, not necessarily to perform but because it draws us like the warmth of a fire. 

The week had a profound impact on me and I'm sure I'll write about it in more depth in the months and years to come as I further try to consolidate and settle from the experience.  By Wednesday everyone was starting to feel tired.  Rachel had put us through a brutal improvisation exercise with no direction on purpose to then guide us through ways to improvise in a more comfortable way.  For people like myself who are not comfortable with the practice of improvisation - the cracks started to widen.  We talked about the experience, and it was apparent a lot of people were feeling raw.  Rachel led us through a simple meditative chant to help try to settle us.  There are no words to describe the feeling of the chant, the silence and words.  Mine were not the only eyes overflowing when the chant finished.  It was a call for students and teacher to learn together - to be safe together and protective of ourselves and each other - it was, for me - profound.  

The challenges continued through that day and the next.  I was not feeling like I was keeping up, didn't know why I was there anymore, lost focus and was ready to leave, quit dancing for the week, forever.  I wasn't going to dance at the Friday night hafla.  I was done.  All I knew and clung to was the sacred feeling of the space and how Rachel continued to gently push and teach and guide with compassion and humour and humility.  I could stay out the week, was learning so much, meeting such interesting women, but I was done.  One exercise I didn't have a ready partner and needed a break - I sat out.  After a bit I went into the change room where another woman was and we shared - so much we shared.  We hugged and cried and promised to partner up and protect each other.  And we did.  Jacky was and is amazing.  We went back into the studio and pick up the exercise - started to develop our half of the basic montage of what would become the dance we were to create and share with another duo (Candace and Lacy) for Friday night.

Friday morning came and with it the extra hour of yoga and drilling we'd arranged for those who wished it before the 12 o'clock proper time came.  I was so tired, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  I needed to be there but still, I was not going to dance for Rachel that night.  How could I?  People were getting themselves settled around me in the space but I just sat quietly on my mat.  Waiting.  Somehow Rachel and I made eye contact.  Something passed between us and she came over holding a book open at a passage.  she handed it to me with a gentle smile and invited me to read it to myself.  Cautiously I looked at her and asked, "Is this going to make me cry?"  "It made me cry" was the honest reply.  I took the book [There is Nothing Wrong with you] and read.

"Spiritual Practice Doesn't Begin Until the Beatings Stop."

   I'm suggesting that you stop beating yourself.  Many spiritual teachers suggest that hatred is not the answer.  They say things about love, forgiveness, generosity and gratitude.  They hardly talk about beating people and hating people and this sort of thing.  They say, "Now, folks, this is the direction.  This is the way to go.  If you really want to wake up and end your suffering and find joy and peace and bliss, this is the way to do it."  And the response is, "Nah, I don't think so.  I'm not going to do that."

  So, here's the deal.  If you were to, say for instance, find the willingness to stop beating yourself for just one day, and if you turned into a more hideous person than you are now, the next day you could beat yourself twice as hard and catch up.  I'm just suggesting that you might consider taking the risk.

I cried.  Tears flowed silently and unbidden.  I smiled at Rachel and she nodded in understanding.  Later she shared more from the book with the class but I don't remember what.  I only remembered this passage.  And it changed everything.  The years of thinking I was never good enough, that I was the reason for my ended marriage and all the failed relationships beforehand.  Everything changed.  The beating stick disappeared for the day.  And that night - I couldn't wait to dance.  Because it wasn't for Rachel anymore.  I was dancing for me.  And I was happy.  Truly truly happy.

Is it all better now?  well, no.  I came back to Victoria and my life here raw, open exposed without a real chance to consolidate and heal and put a protective layer over the joy before being thrust back into the world.  The beating stick still has come out since I returned. Some days have been brutally hard.  But I remember faster to put it away.  The boys and I have started a short circle time in the morning to deep breath, hold hands and promise to go into the world with an open and loving hearts, trying to be the best we can be and to be there for each other.  It's an amazing few minutes and a more effective tool I have never seen for getting little boys ready to go in the morning.  I'm not perfect.  I'm not sure I'm a better dancer but I know my balance is better.  I know and am confident in the teacher I have in Candace that everything that is right for me about dance she has put me on the path to.  I'm excited about putting together a solo for the December show.  I've cracked open my training dvds.  I know I will train with Rachel again.  And - I can't WAIT to get to dance class.