Looking for balance

I've been ruminating a lot on my life lately.  Looking for direction again and dreams that somehow need to be redefined as my own.  So many challenges to face but so many moments of love and laughter and joy to find and cherish along the way in every day.

My biggest challenge?

Not my eyes though the fact that they are still so sore and sensitive to light and sun scare me very much.  What will it mean for my photography?  How does an always chilled sun loving gecko deal with a world in which she can't be in the sun without pain?

Not being alone for the rest of my life even though that would be lonely in many ways and there are days it makes me very sad not to have someone hold me and to hold.  Not as a friend.  As a soul mate and lover.

Not as a failure to my children.  The boys are amazing and so individual.  Even in the fact that there is something unique about each of them that they cherish and love despite society pressures means they will be okay.  Doesn't mean they'll be perfect.  Heck - I sure am not... but they will be themselves and in a world in which they know they are loved.

I think that my biggest challenge is learning that it is okay to put myself first sometimes. To ask for the time and attention I need without feeling guilty about it. Without feeling like I'm imposing or in the way or should be helping everyone else instead of being greedy and needing something for myself.  It's almost like on the airplane where you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping other people. I've never done that.  It's a cycle I've seen repeatedly until I am worn past useful.  It's time for it to stop.  I deserve to hear more yes's than no's.  When I give to myself.  When I learn to feel safe asking the people I love for the things I need, I will be stronger.  Then I can give better. Love better. Create better. Work better. Parent better. Then I can say yes so much better to the people and things in my life and find the balance in giving and taking that I so lack now.

That is, and probably always will be my biggest challenge.  And I know I need the people who love me in my life to know that.  To support that, encourage that and foster that.  And sometimes, during really hard times, for those people to sometimes say yes, even when I haven't had the nerve to ask the question.

and as Miss Rachel Brice told us, dance for yourself. because no one can do it for you...

arrows

"There is a moment when you say to yourself,
oh. 
There you are.
I've been waiting for you forever."
                                           ~Glee

And if you're lucky enough... love grows and expands your life and your possibilities to places you could never have imagined.

Everyone deserves that kind of love.  Everyone deserves that kind of possibility.

Everyone.
Even me.

Wanderings - Goward House - March 2011

Album of my 22 pieces currently being displayed at Goward House...  lovely opening reception - so nice of friends, family and people we've never met to come by and have a look!  Show is up for the rest of March so if you missed the reception, the house is open Monday-Friday during the day...

hanging soul out

Today Mom and I are hanging our 40 combined photographs (mine) and paintings (moms) at Goward House to create the Wanderings show.  I love the pieces and remember the feelings I had when I took each photo, the weather, the place, the people I was with and loving or missing.  Honoured and delighted to share this amazing opportunity with my mom and I think it might be our strongest show yet of the three we've had together.

Nerve wracking though - this business of hanging your soul up for the world to see, evaluate, criticize, ignore or love.  Even now, less than 2 hours before we hang, changing mind about what to hang and what not to hang....  Twitch, twitch...

Snow Day

Some days it's just better to turn around with your 8 year old, go home, look out your flannel, make some oatmeal and hot chocolate and let him experience the wonder of snow...

Reciprocity

Has someone ever trusted you with their heart? their heart and soul - every ounce of their love and being?

If so - you are truly blessed.  When was the last time you told them, even better, showed them, that you knew what an incredible blessing it was to have them in your life.  I hope today.  And I hope they returned the favour. I have friends who live this way and I adore the way they treat each other, even after decades of marriage, rush to meet each other at the door, gaze adoringly at their partner when engaged in conversation.  And I wonder what it is that makes their relationship tick along so beautifully, despite whatever challenges they face now and in the past.

To have someone give you their heart - to live their life and their days at work, or school, be a mother, father, academic, poet, all the things they are, is amazing.  To be all those things they are and to have given you their heart - their desire to share the beautiful and the ugly of their days, to hold at night, to dream and share and plan, to grow as themselves but walk down the same road as you...  to have given their heart to you is an honour.  Never take it for granted.  Make time everyday just for the two of your hearts to connect, say hello, hold hands, hold each other.  If you say you're going to call in an hour, call.  If you can't, at least text and make a firm time that you can with love and wishes.  Never be so wrapped up in your own world that you forget to ask about theirs.  Offer tea and foot rubs, make dinner or do the dishes, draw warm baths or a walk in the garden.

If someone has trusted you with their heart - realize what a gift you have been given.  Don't neglect it.  Never forget how privileged you are.  If you nurture and appreciate and love, the reciprocal love will wrap you up in such amazing joy and light.  Nothing will be impossible to overcome and your life... well, I bet your life will be happier and longer..

Our New Addition

Well, I did it....

on a rainy day with a fever broaching 101, I finally did it.

The boys and I went and bought our piano....  not sure where we'll put it yet or how we'll pay for lessons but with a little help from PatDad at Christmas and all those crazy work trip aeroplan miles turned into gift cards at Long and McQuaid...  I finally own my own piano and in my heart can say goodbye to the one left behind when I moved out. 

It's not fancy, doesn't have all those crazy digital sounds the comparable Yamaha does but it's a full keyboard with a lovely sound and weighted keys, one pedal and reverb and headset jacks to boot.  Perfect for us.  And I can't wait to get started learning!

Welcome Korg SP 170...  I'm so glad you're here....  just wait until you meet my Grandma's piano bench!